ART AND SELF-LOATHING IN L.A.

I have read and heard advice from many different sources as to how to tap into your creativity. Advice such as: "Stop listening to your ego." "Change your perception." "Let the creative force of the Universe flow through you." "Picture a project as already finished." I don't disagree with the aforementioned advice. I just want to know how in the world do you do these things and really believe they will work? One suggestion mentioned is meditation. I tried that and almost fell asleep.

I have been told there are people who don't think about producing great art, writing prize-winning novels, making movies, or engaging in other creative endeavors. These people go to work, eat, play computer games, talk on their cell phones while driving, go to school, text while at work, eating, driving, or going to school. They buy things they cannot afford, go on vacations they can afford even less, and look forward to weekends and Holidays. I think about all the people living their lives with no greater aspiration than to someday win the lottery. These people don't fret about creativity. They don't beat themselves up if they can't manifest a work of genius. They are not filled with self loathing.

The majority of my adult life has been spent either writing or making jewelry. When the ideas or opportunities in one area ran dry, I switched to the other. Now I find myself writing again. Writing seems to be something I cannot, nor really want to escape.

The few breakthroughs I have had when my writing went smoothly and actually was fun led me to the mistaken belief that I would never again be plagued by disorganized thoughts or feelings of self loathing. The truth is that in any creative endeavor (especially writing), backsliding is part of the process. It is frustrating because being in the "creative zone" feels so good that one never wants it to end. In that state, it seems as if the wall has finally come down and will never rise again. One wall might have come down. But there is always another right behind.

Some days I think: "To heck with it all. Why don't I just stop fretting and be happy?" I pause a moment, trying to imagine such a situation. Then I turn to face the next wall between me and my creative zone. And I go back to work.