Tuesday, May 10, 2011

HISTORY REVISED

Every once in a while we all need a good laugh. I had quite a laugh the other day when I came across an old "Ann Landers" column I saved. For those who don't know, Ann Landers was a newspaper columnist who dispensed advice to people who wrote to her. Sometimes she would feature the writings of someone else. In the column I saved, Ms. Landers utilized an essay put together by a teacher named Richard Lederer. The essay is made up from lines in student papers, collected by history and English teachers around the country. I have abridged the essay, since it is quite long. Hope it provides a good laugh.

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. David was a Hebrew King who fought the Philatelists. Solomon, who was one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.

The Greeks invented 3 kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

In the Middle Ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Frances Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea.

Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

4 comments:

FabricGreetings said...

Oh gosh, Lynn. That is too funny. Almost too much for my weary brain to absorb tonight, so I will be back to reread it in the morning.

MooreMagnets said...

LOL - Love these ... so many of them!

sewsouk said...

Very funny!!

A little bit of knowledge is dangerous!

nancy said...

This was so funny. Kids say (and write) the funniest things.